Edward the Beta
by TheNinjaWolf
Summary: Edward is a 'beta' werewolf. He's trying to have an affair with Jacob's girlfriend.
1. Chapter 1

I woke up, naked in the woods.

_What had happened?_ I asked myself. I had clothes on before, and now I'm naked in the woods.

I made some undergarments out of leaves and vines and ran home. Carlisle was waiting for me

"You are naked," he said

"Yes, I am naked" I said

Carlisle was a nice man who adopted me. I love him very much.

"I think something weird happened to me yesterday Carlisle" I sad to Carlisle

Carlisle looked me up and down, he didn't look happy.

"I was afraid this might happen," he said.

Carlisle took me inside the house and explained that he had adopted me from the Quileute pack, who had adopted me from an orphanage. And while I lived with the Quileute pack I caught a Wolf Virus.

I, Edward Cullen, am a werewolf.

"Now you're going to have to get some cut of sweat pants and go live with the tribe," said Carlisle.

I cried. What a bastard.

I went to live with the wolves. One wolf, Jacob was very mean to me. I didn't know why. He had a hot girlfriend named Bella who I would like to have sex with but unfortunately I can't cos she's Jacob's girlfriend and when I tried to touch her boobs, the pack of wolves got really angry with me and told me it was 'bros before hoes' in La Push. Oh, by the way, the tribe lives in La Push.

Jacob was the boss of the wolf pack even though he's only 16. I'm 17 and a lot smarter but they won't listen to me because I'm not blood related. They keep telling me we have to guard La Push from the 'cold skins' but I think they're suffering some serious delusions.

I really wish I'd stop waking up naked in the woods. Last Tuesday, Bella saw my schlong, and although she seemed excited it was pretty embarrassing.

I hope I get to do something cool with my new wolf powers instead of running around aimlessly trying to defend the tribe from mythical creatures.

And I hope I get to touch Bella's boobs.


	2. Chapter 2

I hate Jacob.

He's such a tool. He found me naked in the woods 4 times last week and now he reckons I have some tree-fetish. The guys won't shut up about it. I keep blacking out, so I don't know if I've got a tree-fetish or not, but I hope I don't because there's too many trees in La Push and I don't know if I can handle it.

I'd try and kill Jacob, except he can read my mind.

Carlisle came to visit me yesterday.

"Put some clothes on, Edward, and get away from that tree" said Carlisle.

I still think Carlisle's a bastard, but he brought me some cut-off sweats. I told him what Jacob said about the 'cold ones' and he said Jacob was deranged. I don't know why I have to stay here, everyone's really boring and all they do is eat. I miss my Debussy collection and my Battlestar Galactica figurines.

My brothers and sisters and Esme haven't visited. I don't know why. I wrote a poem about it:

_Isolation  
__I am Isolated,  
__No one hears my cries.  
__My family,  
__My family,  
__I don't like these pants._

Oh, I'm the Beta wolf.

I don't know how, because I'm not even a Quileute. Jacob's still first in charge, so now his hot girlfriend is never going to have sex with me.

Maybe she would if Alice brought me some pants. Like, some really nice pants.

Doesn't help that Jacob told her I have sex with trees.

"Edward has sex with trees," said Jacob.

I've choreographed a dance to impress Bella and win her love.

Next week I'm going to perform it for her. I have to make up some serious ground, because after the schlong incident she won't even look at me.

I'm going to make my hair bigger too; it's only 5 inches tall at the moment.

My big hair and dance routine will ruin Jacob Black.

* * *

**A/N: I'm very tired. **


	3. Chapter 3

My big hair and dance routine did not ruin Jacob Black.

Next time I attempt to do ballet, I might get lessons or something. My routine went for about 4 minutes and I tried to make it meaningful and everything, like I pretended I was a wolf, and then I pretended I was another wolf, and then one wolf killed the other wolf, but it was all done in a ballet kind of way. You know? But Bella wasn't really into it. She told me if I ever needed someone to talk to about my "issues" then she's always there.

So I said yeah, and I told her how much of a bastard Carlisle was and she told me she didn't mean 'those kinds of issues'. Mentioned something about my homocidal tendencies. I wiki-ed homocidal and nothing came up but a recipe for pecan pie and a picture of a dog in a hat. FYI That's not entirely true.

Bella did say she liked my big hair but when I went in for the grope but she slapped me. God, she's hot.

The next day Jacob was being a bastard again. I really want to kill him.

"Bella thinks you're gay," he said. Bastard.

"_You _are gay," I said.

"No really, the ballet, the big hair, the weird sexual experimentation with trees…"

"Trees are asexual," I said. That got him.

"So you admit to having sex with trees?"

"No-" _Fuck._

"Bella also thinks you want to kill me, she said you did some freaky dance about it"

It wasn't freaky. It was beautiful. I got so angry that this that I tried to stab Jacob with a shiv I'd constructed out of bark and a pen, but he ducked out of the way and punched me in the gut. I fell over.

"Put some pants on" he said.

_Oh shit, not this again. Where are my pants…?_

I thought of other ways to steal Bella away from Gaycob. Ha ha ha, I'm funny. I'm going to tell her some jokes….

Then Carlisle rang.

"I bought you some pants Edward" he said, "Billy called from the reservation and said you were constantly naked and it was becoming highly inappropriate **(Billy is Jacob's Dad btw)**.I'm going to come see you tomorrow"

I hate Carlisle and Jacob and Billy. They're all jerks. They're just jealous of my beautiful naked form and my bronze pubic hair.

But it'll be ok.

After all, tomorrow is another day… 


	4. Chapter 4

**_A/N- for Rei_**

The next day Carlisle came to visit, he brought Emse with him. Emse is a nice lady who's my mother, except I didn't mention her before now because I forgot she existed. I call my parents by their first names because I saw Bella doing it and gosh…she's so great.

So Carlisle gave me some beige pants and some sweat pants. I don't like the sweat pants because they make me look like Jacob. I had asked for paisley, but Carlisle never listens to me, he never listens…

"You're not my real father!" I yelled. It was totally random.

"Please be quiet, Edward, you're very annoying" he replied.

"We need to have a talk with you darling" said Emse

And then we went and sat on a log because that seems to be all there is to do in La Push. Emse said she was worried about me not fitting in with the wolves.

"But they're mean to me Exme" I told her.

"Edward, we need to talk to you," she said in a very serious voice "Well… there's a reason you don't fit in, it's medical. You're what the doctors call _extremely stupid._ There's no cure. And because of this you keep on ending up in these weird situations without pants"

"We think you may also be a sexual deviant" Carlisle interjected "So we bought you this book" he handed me a self-help book called 'Fitting in for Dummies'.

"It teaches you how to fake being a likeable human being," he explained

Eseme smiled at me with pity "you're not very likeable at all, Edward" she said in a low, sympathetic voice.

Awwww. What a _hosebeast._

I picked up some sand and threw it in her stupid ugly face and ran away back to the woods. I saw them leave. _Why is everyone so mean?_

I sat down and flicked through the book.

_**Chapter 1**_

_**How to Pretend You're Smarter Than You Are.**_

It was actually pretty good advice. The next day I rang up Bella.

"Hello?" she answered

"Hi Bella, it's Edward" I told her

She sighed. Oh shit, she still thinks I'm gay and that I want to murder her boyfriend.

Well, I do actually want to murder her boyfriend.

"So Bella, read any Chaucer lately?" I asked.

"Edward, you have an IQ of about 73, don't try"

There was a long pause

"Are you crying?" she finally asked

"A bit" I admitted, "Everyone's so mean to me"

She sighed again "Ok" she said, "I'm coming over."

_Sweet. The book worked. _

FYI, I live in a small wooden house in La Push that Carlisle bought. It's really ugly.

Bella came to the door. She knocked on the door and then I opened it and she came in and sat down and had a glass of water.

"Edward, I'm here… but I don't' think it's safe for me to be alone with you" she said

"I know, sometimes when I phase I can't control myself"

"No, idiot." She replied, "You're mentally unsound"

"You're really hot," I said.

"Fuck Edward. What am I doing here? I know you're a psychopath with an unsettling sexual disorder, but I just… I'm so attracted to your five-inch hair. And I know it was homicidal and poorly choreographed, but that dance routine turned me on"

Oh awesome.

Then she kissed me. She kind of tasted like hummus. But that's ok, I like garlic. I kissed her back. I tasted kind of like metal.

"You bit me, loser!" she shrieked as she backed away.

Oh yeah, her mouth and chin was covered in blood.

"Woops, here's my pants, you can soak up the blood with them"

I took my pants off.

"Stop taking your pants off Edward" she said

"Ok," I said, "but I have nice buttocks," I said

"Yes I know"

Awesome.

She stole my tea towel and ran out the door clutching her mouth.

This book Exsemesxxeme gave me is really good. I might get to second base tomorrow.

Fuck you Jacob Black. I'm going to get some over-the-bra action.


	5. Chapter 5

**This iz ta b continu-ed. Qualitieees over quantitieeees, that'z whatz i said.**

Three days after that other thing happened, I went to visit Carlisle and my family for the first time since I moved to La Crap.

I walked into the house, which was big. Jasper, who is my adopted brother, was there. He looked kind of like Richard Gere, but not like middle aged Richard Gere. And he had a big eye, just one was big. And he had a scar, sort of, it could have been something else that wasn't a scar, but I don't know what that could be. It was on his face… I think.

Alice, my adopted sister was also there. She looked like Ashley Greene.

And I can't be bothered describing all the others, but they each have heads and bodies and hair.

There's a guy called Emmett and his GF is called Rosalie.

Jasper and Alice are dating.

Then some stuff happened.

Then we had lunch. They gave me turkey leg, I pretended I was eating Jacobs leg, but not in a sexual way. I just want to like, kill him.

"Edward it's about time you knew something" said Carlisle "We're the cold ones your wolf friends are always talking about"

What a dickhead "They're not my friends, stupid!" I said to Carlisle.

"Edward, listen to me"

"'Kay"

"We're the cold ones, Edward, there should have been more of a dramatic lead up to this, but that's what we are"

"Is that like a cult?" I asked?

Carlisle chuckled. I chuckled. Everyone chuckled. There was chuckling.

I once watched this porno where Neve Campbell was a lesbian and she got it on with Charlie Sheen's wife in a pool and Kevin Bacon's schlong was in it. It was awesome.

Oops, and Alice and Jasper are doing it, but they're not blood related so it's ok.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N- Review my storyies, it's a good story.**

Well that would explain why everyone's calling me 'Coldy Eddie' down at La Push. I thought it was because I had a bit of a sniffle, but it turns out they're all mad because Carlisle's their nemesis.

What a shithouse turn of events. I don't even like Jacob and his stupid idiot friends and now I have to help them kill Carlisle. Oh that's right, I don't like Carlisle either. I guess I'll kill Carlisle.

So I drugged and kidnapped Rosalie. I'm gonna prop her up against a log and make out with her so Bella gets jealous. I picked Rosalie cos she's got the biggest rack.

So I was just getting started on Rosalie when Emmett came and punched me in the face.

"Why are you licking my girlfriend-sister's cheek you fucking retard?!" said Emmett.

I can't believe he took her away just as Bella showed up. He's such a gay.

Then Bella's boobies came up to me

"What happened to your face?"

"Emmett hit me"

"Did you drug and kidnap someone again?"

"Yeah, Rosalie"

"Yeah, she does have a nice rack"

I swear to God Bella said that, I'm not making it up. I'm not a STUPID LIAR like Pooplisle.

"Edward, I have a surprise for you but I have to show you in private, can we go to your place?"

"Kay"

Those boobies are mine.

When we got to my place Bella ripped off the trench coat she was wearing, and underneath revealed a leotard and legwarmers.

"I coreagraffed you a dance"

Pity Bella can't really dance, she basically did the running man for 3 minutes to _Footloose_. But it was HOT.

Afterwards she sat next to me. This was my only chance.

"OUCH!" she said "why the hell did you punch me in the boob?"

I just wanted to touch one and it seemed the fastest way. She didn't have to run off again. She's so frigid.

It's too hard to get girls to like you when they're awake. I thought my pretty bronze hair was enough but these girls are dumb frigids.

It's taking way too long for me to lose my flower. My flower is blooming, can't anyone see?


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N- HIIIIIIII!! Thanks for all the reviews that I didn't notice for a month and then I was like "what the frig is going on?" (in a nice way) and then I got some nomination? Whoa, the world has gone mad. Thanks for voting/nominating for that btw, you're all awesome! If I'd checked my email I would've tried to rig it but I was too late :( Stupid lack of corruption...**

* * *

Today it's my 18th birthday and everyone bought me presence.

I got a Nintendo DS and a tie with a cat on it, and the cat is wearing its own tie, so it's good that the cat is on the tie wearing a tie. I wonder if he works in finance.

Jacob bought me a bonsai because he's a massive cockhead and he thinks I have sex with trees. Said I could carry around a tree wherever I go. Well that's not true is it? Because it's got dirt in it and I'd get dirt in my bag. He's so crap. Bella's only with him because he has luscious locks of hair and he got a part in a hair commercial last week.

On Monday I killed Embry, but it was an accident.

So since I punched Bella in the boob she hasn't spoken to me. Reckons she's over me. After all the effort I put into my interpretive dances, drugging and kidnapping Rosalie, and combing my hair really well.

Some chicks are such high maintenance; I can't even remember why I like her. Oh right- her rack.

That's ok, I took some pics of it on my phone when I was pretending to text message someone.

"Hey Edward!" yelled Jacob "Are you still a virgin if you've lost it to a tree?"

Jacob has dumb hair.

And then I went to high school. And then Alice and that Leah chick got in a fight. I can't remember if I said they went to different high schools, but now they go to the same one and they got in a fight.

"I saw you making love to Mr Bertie!" cried Leah "You, Alice Cullen, are a slut"

"He whispered Romeo and Juliette in my ear and it was hot and you're a dirty skank" said Alice.

And then Leah fully ripped off Alices arms. It was really gross. Now Alice has no arms.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N- Is it possible that the chapters are getting shorter? Yes, yes it is.**

* * *

Today Billy forced us to play Monopoly as a team building exersise. Jacob forced me to be the boot while he got to be the dog. He's just upset ever since I accidentally killed Embry that one time.

So after I punched Paul in the face for putting money on Free Parking they made me leave. Sources say Sam won. Free Parking is for Free-ks, ha ha.

So then I went and skipped a pebble on the water and thoughted to myself. I don't like it very much when people make me thought, because then I started thoughting about trees and boobs and trees with boobs on them and then sometimes pirates and red cabbage and various types of can openers.

Then I thought about Jacob's girlfriend and went and snuck into her window while she was asleep, I hear girls like that.

"Hello" I said

"Rapist!" she said

"I wrote you an acrostic poem"

"oh, you again" she said

I started to recite it too her:

_**B**eautiful is what you're head is_

_**A **very nice head_

_**L**ovely, Lovely head_

_**L**ook at it, I'd give it a 10 out of 10_

_**A**gony is the only release from the numbness of my soul_

"My name isn't Balla" she said

"Really?"

"No."

"I'm pretty sure it is"

"It isn't"

"Okay"

Balla is such a liar.

I think I'm going to eat a jar of chutney and have a lie down.


	9. A Christmas Darryl

_**A/N- Hey **__**chickies**__**! Merry Xmas to you all! Thanks so much for all your reviews, they make my day xx**_

* * *

**Edward the Beta in…**

**A Christmas Darryl**

*******

It was Xmas morning. Carlisle came to visit because he didn't want me to be alone. Well, all I have to say is his face looks like a turd.

"My face doesn't look like a turd" says he.

"Sorry" says me "how come you're the only one that ever visits?"

"Santa visits!" say he and he threw a package at my head. I opened it and it was pants.

"I heard you didn't like your pants"

"You've read my diary!!" I screamed

"No, you just take them off a lot, especially when you're near tree-"

"Okay! Thanks" I said

"But I've read your diary as well" he said

"Oh"

"You're going to get splinters, Edward…"

And then he went away.

.

This is the worst Xmas ever. I went for a ran and fell asleep when I got tried.

"Shit, my pants are missing" I said (I wasn't asleep when I said that, I woke up before)

Then I heard a Russel in from the trees.

"Oooooh" said voice

I ran away cos I'm bad at defending myself and I was afraid someone saw my buttocks and attractive bronze leg hair and wanted to take advantage of me. This chubby guy in a hat appeared anyway.

"Oooooh" he sad

"Yes, I know, they're very pert buttocks" I said

"No" replied Chubby "I am Harry Clearwater, Grade A dead guy and ghost of Xmas past"

"Hi"

"Aren't you wonder why I'm here?" he asked

"For sexing?"

"I'm here to bring back your Xmas spirit"

"Kays"

Then we went back in time as time-travelling ghosts and I saw my last year's Xmas.

"I was a cold one then!" I says

"Not really…"

"I WAS!"

Chubby Clearwater or w/e his name is looked confused.

"That was before Gaycob" I added "Bella gave me a bag of blood that year. She liked me back then, before I was a Beta"

"BETA IS BETTER!" yelled Harry Clearwater

I was shock, I'd never seen a time-travelling ghost so angry b4

"I HATE BILLY BLACK! I HATE HIM!" he yelled "he put the moves on my wife and his son is a douche!"

"Will you be my dad?" I said

"…no"

Harry told me as soon as he got dead, all his friends tried to hump his wife, Sue.

"I'll be your friend if you help me out Edward. You have to lay your moves on sue, it'll kill Billy and that other guy, Charlie."

"That seems pretty mean" I said

"I'm pretty sure Billy tried to poison me" he said "I believe in you Edward, I've been stalking you for some time now, your dance moves… they do something to me…boy, if only I wasn't dead! Ha…ha, ha…."

The whole thing seemed pretty gross but I wanted a friend, even if it was a deranged time-travelling ghost who wanted me to seduce his widow.

.

The next morning I went to Sue's house to woo her.

"Hello?" she said

"Stand back!" I ordered and went into a 13 minute dance routine to a melody of Phil Collins songs.

"Make sex to me!" she said and I did, on the doorstep.

"You can't tell Charlie or Billy about this" she said after our amazing 18 seconds together, "they both think I'm pretty hot"

I don't know how he got there, but then we saw Billy outside in the paddock watching us… awkward!

"HA!" I said "My big hair and dance routine ruined Billy Black!"

.

Then we went back home, "Nice going kid!" said Harry, then he promised to visit from time to time so we can destroy everyone's lives. Then Leah walked in with her shirt over her head "Check out my nips!" she said but ran away when she saw Harry standing there talking on his ghost phone. She's probably just upset because he's her dead father. She's so weird.

"Who was that on the phone, Harry?" I said

"Oh, that was just my friend, Christmas Darryl, he says hi"

It was the best Xmas ever.


End file.
